· The Secret Garden Party

Accept no imitations! You know what’s right around the corner -- it’s this year’s Secret Garden Party! This is not a festival, we’re careful to note. It’s a party. Each guest is a gardener, and each gardener must follow a code of honour, with commandments including Try to stay clean and Help all who are lost, and try to induce them to return home. If you’re up for the challenge, join us at Mill Hill Field in Cambridgeshire from 20-23 July.

 The Tracks

The question on all would-be revellers’ lips. We’ve got Metronomy (who still give us a zodiac-based inferiority complex -- clearly, Aquarius is the only sign to be), Crystal Fighters, and and Toots & The Maytals headlining. Other acts include Peaches (our forever idol), Wild Beasts, Bonzai, The Moonlandingz, Etta Bond, Be Charlotte, Kate Nash, and Akala.

Stage Navigation

 There’s no need to flail through the party looking for your favourite acts. We’ve got it covered! There are millions of nooks and crannies, and we’re happy to detail them. We’ve got the Great Stage, the Next Stage, Where the Wild Things Are, The Lake (which looks like an amazing floating pyramid), The Drop, The Pagoda (which looks chill and dreamy, and is described as a non-exclusive ‘VIP area to (Donald) Trump them all’), the Lost Woods Disco, The Games Arena (we have a hunch it will include partiers bouncing around in oversized bubbles), and Guerrilla Science (a fiesta of sex, sparkles and eccentricity).

We’ve also got the Labyrinth, a fantastical, fairytale-themed hidden venue; Chai Wallahs, the voice of the underground; the amazingly-named Little Gay Brother; the Sanctuary; the Spiritual Playground, which is something we need 24/7; Small World, a solar-powered chill space; and Lost Horizon, which includes a plunge pool, sauna, wood fires, and naked yoga. Sounds like perfection.

Camp My Style

 As a camping party, gardeners will need to make arrangements for accommodation. (Unless you live next to Mill Hill Field, which would be outrageously lucky.) Standard camping is included in the ticket price, with Rent-a-Tent available. There are also family camping passes for parties with children under the age of 16.If you’re looking for boutique options, look no further. We’re confident you will be suitably catered for! Options include colonial-style Royal Safari tents, ultra-zen Bell & Lotus tents, sweet Suite Huts, super-cute two-person Sleep Huts, UFO-looking yurts (you can choose between Dormitory, Squrt, Lovely, Luxury, and Extravagant), futuristic Spongebob-mashup Octopads, classic tipis, and irresistible vintage showman caravans. As well as places to lay your head, camping amenities abound. Gardeners are free to book sessions at Bathing Under the Sky, a hot tub and sauna provider, and to book meals at the on-site restaurant. You can also rent a jauntily-named Festibarrow for ease of setting out and packing up.