SHH! SECRET GARDEN PARTY 2017
Accept no imitations! You know what’s right around the corner -- it’s this year’s Secret Garden Party! This is not a festival, we’re careful to note. It’s a party. Each guest is a gardener, and each gardener must follow a code of honour, with commandments including Try to stay clean and Help all who are lost, and try to induce them to return home. If you’re up for the challenge, join us at Mill Hill Field in Cambridgeshire from 20-23 July.
The Tracks
The question on all would-be revellers’ lips. We’ve got Metronomy (who still give us a zodiac-based inferiority complex -- clearly, Aquarius is the only sign to be), Crystal Fighters, and and Toots & The Maytals headlining. Other acts include Peaches (our forever idol), Wild Beasts, Bonzai, The Moonlandingz, Etta Bond, Be Charlotte, Kate Nash, and Akala.
Stage Navigation
There’s no need to flail through the party looking for your favourite acts. We’ve got it covered! There are millions of nooks and crannies, and we’re happy to detail them. We’ve got the Great Stage, the Next Stage, Where the Wild Things Are, The Lake (which looks like an amazing floating pyramid), The Drop, The Pagoda (which looks chill and dreamy, and is described as a non-exclusive ‘VIP area to (Donald) Trump them all’), the Lost Woods Disco, The Games Arena (we have a hunch it will include partiers bouncing around in oversized bubbles), and Guerrilla Science (a fiesta of sex, sparkles and eccentricity).
We’ve also got the Labyrinth, a fantastical, fairytale-themed hidden venue; Chai Wallahs, the voice of the underground; the amazingly-named Little Gay Brother; the Sanctuary; the Spiritual Playground, which is something we need 24/7; Small World, a solar-powered chill space; and Lost Horizon, which includes a plunge pool, sauna, wood fires, and naked yoga. Sounds like perfection.
Camp My Style
As a camping party, gardeners will need to make arrangements for accommodation. (Unless you live next to Mill Hill Field, which would be outrageously lucky.) Standard camping is included in the ticket price, with Rent-a-Tent available. There are also family camping passes for parties with children under the age of 16.If you’re looking for boutique options, look no further. We’re confident you will be suitably catered for! Options include colonial-style Royal Safari tents, ultra-zen Bell & Lotus tents, sweet Suite Huts, super-cute two-person Sleep Huts, UFO-looking yurts (you can choose between Dormitory, Squrt, Lovely, Luxury, and Extravagant), futuristic Spongebob-mashup Octopads, classic tipis, and irresistible vintage showman caravans. As well as places to lay your head, camping amenities abound. Gardeners are free to book sessions at Bathing Under the Sky, a hot tub and sauna provider, and to book meals at the on-site restaurant. You can also rent a jauntily-named Festibarrow for ease of setting out and packing up.
Paint it Black: Art and Performance
The Party has launched an exciting new venture: SGP’s Got Talent! They’re looking for musical and performance acts, themed art and installation projects, workshops, and art boats and cars. The deadline’s 31 January, so you have some time to get going on your submission! SGP’s Kids’ Area is scheduled to be a limitless wonderland of dance-offs, bake-offs, circus madness and even celebrity cameos! We can’t give anything else away ... other than the words Sparkling Ponies. That’s enough for us to get excited. There’s also a Green Arts area coming soon. We can’t wait.
Dreamy Themes
As you know, all Secret Garden Parties adhere to a strict theme. This one’s a little out-there, and we can’t wait to formulate our own take on it. Basically, it’s The Dream. Heaven on Earth. When you get ‘there’, where do you go? What do you find? Is it what you expected? It’s, like, Nirvana. The end. A nice bit of foreshadowing ...
ADIOS...
What’s that? This is the very last Secret Garden Party to ever take place in the history of the universe? Sadly, it is. We can hardly believe it ourselves. The news comes direct from the Head Gardener, who explains that the carefully-crafted parties have reached their apex, and that it’s time to go out with a bang, leaving other SGP-influenced bashes to take up the slack. We’ll try to seek comfort in the words of the Big Man: The frontier always moves. A phoenix will rise from the ashes.
We’ll definitely be there to party ‘til the end, and hope that phoenix rises quickly!
Sian Kitchener